Let's go surfin' now, everybody's learning how...

"Join us in surfin through the scriptures."
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Dude, you like totally bit it in Malachi. It was soooooo rad.

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"Before you drop a verbal bomb: Consider collateral damage."
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Same thing when you fart. Please?!?

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"Jesus believes in you."
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Well, I should hope so. He made me, after all. He ought to know I exist.

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"Peter: 'Do I forgive 7 times?' Jesus: 'Keep multiplying'"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah L.
What does procreation has to do with forgiveness?

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"The Lost Miracle of Jesus"
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.
They just found the remains of 12 baskets full of bread and fish. I think Geraldo was there for the reveal.

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Quick! What do all of these signs have in common?

"You'll notice a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out."
submitted by frequent contributor Richard S.
You'll notice that's also the only time it gets its head lopped off.

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"Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?"
submitted by frequent contributor Richard S.
This blog is proof that this sign is untrue :)

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"Why is the person who invests your money called a broker?"
submitted by frequent contributor Richard S.
Don't mind them: They're just bitter after they invested their entire savings into Mervyn's.

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"A penny saved is a government oversight."
submitted by frequent contributor Richard S.
Enjoy that tax-exempt status while it lasts!

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Thanks to Richard for the mother lode of church signs. Richard thinks this church has heard about my site and is just after the free publicity.

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I need your help! As well as continuing to click the smiley button below this paragraph, I am once again a finalist in Diesel's caption contest. Go vote for the funniest caption!

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I'll take the high road, you take the low road, and I'll be in Heaven before you...

"All roads lead to God."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
So Jesus lied?

I love that it's from a Missionary Baptist Church. What do their missionaries preach? "Thumbs up!" all around? "Keep up the good work, you child sacrificers! We'll meet you all on the other side!"

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"A prayer in time saves thine."
submitted by Dan C.
...ass?

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"Living Foregivness"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
The first in a sermon series, to be followed by "Living Mrecy", "Living Graec", and "Living Lvoe".

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"Souls wanted: Dead or Alive!"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Mary E.
I'm a preacher. On a steel pulpit I ride....

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And finally, from the "Ask and You Shall Receive" Department. This sign was submitted without a picture a few days ago, and I mentioned that I wished a picture of the sign existed. Well, thanks to contributor Randy B., here it is:

Zounds.

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As a math teacher, I loved Lisa's post yesterday. If you're a math person, you need to check it out. Anyone who's ever struggled in any subject will find it amusing, too. I remember this being the exact material where I decided that I would teach no higher than a Pre-Cal course. Hilarious stuff.

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Three of the most pressing issues facing us today:

"Sun. Sermon Series. Problem People. The Lazy. Financial Peace."
submitted by Ladyojos
Next week's "Problem People": The judgmental.

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"Anything that takes the place of God is a nothing."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Seems to me that if whatever it is can dethrone God, there must be something to worry about.

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"Prayer and encouragement work. Judgment will backfire."
submitted by frequent contributor Trevor P.
Unless you're a judge.


Note: This sign really isn't all that crummy. What's missing is the ultimate goal. How do prayer and encouragement "work"? What are they accomplishing?

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"Join us here on Sunday. God does."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
Yeah, He just pops in for the donuts and coffee...

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Leave it to the CCS nation to respond to a call to arms. Friday I asked for submissions, and today I am standing in some pretty high cotton. I have at least two weeks worth of signs ready to go, and some of them are unbelievably crummy. Thanks a ton to everyone who sent them in! Of course, I always need submissions, so don't hesitate to send them in if you have some.

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Don't wear your "Sunday Best" this week:

"Removing weeds from gardens. Matthew 13."
submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries
It's a new concept in church services: You perform manual labor around the church grounds while the sermon is pumped out over loudspeakers.


Note: What's interesting is the parable in Matthew 13 is the parable of the wheat and tares, similar to the one referenced in the previous post (the "...bearded darnel" sign.) However, that parable isn't meant to be about how we remove "weeds" from "gardens". At least, that's not how Jesus explained it.

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"Patience is a virtue which carries a lot of wait!"
seen here on Flickr by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
And gluttony is a vice that carries a lot of....oh, never mind.

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"In Sweden, it is illegal to teach a seal to balance a ball on it's nose."
submitted AND reviewed by Minh N.
....but here in America, have we got a show for you!!


(Man, I wish there was a picture of this one...)

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"Save money on gas: Walk with God."
submitted AND reviewed by Kendra N.
Disclaimer: Walking with God will not actually save you money on gas.

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Thanks to all of you who have been willing to vote for me on humor-blogs. Since an initial downturn when this new rating system began, Crummy Church Signs has been FLYING up the charts of funny blogs. I really, really appreciate it and hope you don't grow too tired of my nagging (or the voting) :)

For those of you already on BlogCatalog, please add me as a friend and give a review of my blog. It seems like the next-best aggregator of humor blogs, so I decided to give it a whirl and see if I can't continue to increase traffic around these parts.

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Finally for today: I need submissions , ESPECIALLY picture submissions. So if some of my frequent contributors out there are sitting on a stockpile, this would be a great time to send 'em in. As of now, I have Monday's post covered and that's it! It's been a while since I've been this short. I chalk it up to summer doldrums (it happened last summer as well, I believe). Just remember to take your cameras with you on your family vacations to snap pictures of all the crumminess!

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The Gospel According to Gomer Pyle:

"If you ain't fighting the devil he's done got u."
seen here on Flickr /post title by f.c. Ironic Catholic
And ironically, this church probably still preaches from the King James Version.



(Note the little devil that the photographer added to the sign....)

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"Why am I here?"
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Christopher E.
Today's sermon by Admiral Stockdale.


Thanks to Christopher for one of the most obscure (yet hilarious) reviews in CCS history.

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"Weed and feed."
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
I thought most Christians were partial to "Surf and turf".

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"Whole wheat or bearded darnel?"
submitted by frequent contributor Hilary S.
This sign doesn't make a grain of sense.

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Frequent contributor Kelly Q. sent me a link to this article on Relevant Magazine, a former outlet for some of my less-snarky writing. It's pretty relevant (ha!) to the material in this blog, so check it out when you get a chance.

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Well...no.

"Can anyone beleive anything anymore?"
submitted by frequent contributor Jack M.
Well, I "beleive" that "i" comes before "e" except after "c".

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"For lease.
I loose salvation in this city and bind darkness."
submitted by frequent contributor Ryan and Nancy DeVries
Unfortunately this city had strict leash laws, and the church was fined for allowing salvation to roam free.

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"Calmness should be the cradle of power."
submitted by frequent contributor Ryan and Nancy DeVries
But sheer panic is when power gets up out of the cradle and starts really making some headway.

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Ryan and Nancy got in one last sign before leaving India, then sent a sign they saw basically on their way home from the airport in Michigan. Glad to have your family back Stateside!

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On second thought...let's stay put.

"Let us go forth therefore unto him without the camp, bearing his reproach."
submitted by frequent contributor Miriam F.
If we're going to proceed without the camp, we'd better lose all of our church signs.

Note: This is another Bible verse that makes little sense on its own out of context. You almost need to include at least one of the surrounding verses for it to make sense.

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"It is not big, it is mega."
submitted by frequent contributor Miriam F.
That's what she said.

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"Body piercing explained here."
submitted by new contributor Kristina S.
"First, make sure to disinfect the area..."

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"The Bedrock of Faith: Yabba Dabba Do, God loves you."
submitted by frequent contributor Tara
I wish someone would turn most church signs into a pile of...Rubble.

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That last one is a variation of one from a long time ago (the earlier one left off "The Bedrock of Faith..." part). The original review was "Wiiiiillllllmaaaaaaaa!!".


Hey, now that people are actively voting against me at humor-blogs, I really need those of you who actually like this stuff to place votes in favor of each post. Thanks so much.

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Crumminess. The Final Frontier.

"Feeling like an alien? We have space for you."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
In church, no one can hear you scream.

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"This Sunday - Put on your armor!"
submitted by frequent contributor Laura R.
That's right -- we're having church at the Renaissance Festival!!


(The winner of the joust doesn't have to tithe this week.)

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"Now enrolling one-year olds."
submitted by Bibberly
Clearly not adherents to the theology of infant baptism.

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"Where are you going and why are you in that handbasket?"
Why are you paving my way with good intentions?

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You'll note a new button below. Remember, if you think this is a funny blog, it'd be nice for you to vote for each post at humor-blogs.com. This new button shows how many votes each post has received. I figure I'll stay in the top 10 or so blogs (measured by the second new button in the right-hand sidebar) if we can keep each post in double figures. Happy clicking and voting!! :)

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Come, and I will make you fishers of crumminess:

"Don't open a can of worms unless you are going fishing!"
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Well...Jesus was always fond of a good fishing metaphor...


...or a bad one?

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"Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow, but today of strength!"
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Yeah, your tomorrow is gonna suck regardless. Just go with it.

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"When you get to your wits end you'll find God there."
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Coincidentally, when we get to God's wits end, we'll find you.

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"If the truth hurts, then it's wrong."
submitted by Melissa G.
Yes, it's best to just flatter everyone all the time.

Oh. Wait...

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That's quite a purpose in life:

"Father keep me focused on your purpose for my life. Buses for sale."
submitted/post title by frequent contributor S. K. Sutton
And all this time I've been renting them out. What a fool I've been!

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"How deep is your dirt?"
submitted by frequent contributor R. McCoy
How shallow is your sign?

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"Salvation is infinitely costly but absolutely free."
submitted by frequent contributor Laura R.
Maybe to avoid confusion they should specify: costly for whom, and free for whom?

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"And we have sent you o Muhammad but as a mercy to the worlds"
In the context of Islam, I don't know if this is a crummy sign or not. I just include it to show that here in Nashville the phenomenon if "church signs" is expanding to all different religions. The other side had a very confusing message (to me, at least). I'll try and get a picture of it soon, mostly because I'm hoping someone on here can explain what they mean by it.

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I'm a little late to the party, but fellow writer-of-a funny blog Kadi has started a fund to help raise money for some kids she knew who lost their father. Check out the story here, and use the link in the top right of her sidebar to donate.

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Remember that if you click the h-b logo below to indicate that you think I have a funny blog, it might say that it can't find the post you came from. Well, if you look just below that section a list of posts should appear, and the most recent one should be included. Don't give up without rating a post!

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I will not read Crummy Signs in a box. I will not read them with a fox.

"I am Sam."
Malone? Adams? Beckett? Spade? Sosa? Snead?

I'd really love to know which one of those is their guest speaker...

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"Music - Thot - Talk - 'Authenticity' "
Clearly not a lot of "thot" went into spelling...

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Those two signs were from our trip this weekend to Canada. As a special bonus, here are a few pictures of Canadian things that my wife found funny or amusing. (Though I was born and raised there, my wife is has lived in Mississippi or Tennessee her whole life).

So, presented for your Crankin' pleasure...some Canadian quirkiness:

(My wife thinks the fact that you can go curling in Canada like you can go bowling in the US is hilarious)

(I think this is pretty hilarious myself. The pictures they chose to represent each country....ha!!)

(Can't Canadians spell?!?)

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Back with more crumminess tomorrow!

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Malaria begs to differ:

"The Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but a mosquitoe is close."
submitted/originally posted by Alice G.
Church signs are even closer.

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"April 1st: Happy Evolutionist Day."
submitted/originally posted by Alice G.
Only recently did the church change the name of this holiday day from "Happy Earth is Round Day."

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"On Sunday will you be at church with Jesus or home alone?"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
...'cause if it's the latter, we're sending Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern to your house to scare you back to church.

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"When God measures a man, he puts the tape around the heart instead of the head."
Where does God put the tape when He measures a woman??

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I feel I should explain that second sign/review. But I shan't. Suffice it to say that I believe in Genesis, but I also think that church sign is ridiculous. A long time ago Diesel did a pretty funny job comparing and contrasting evolution and intelligent design in a couple posts. Check them out: (POST 1 // POST 2)

(but don't take them too seriously...).

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I'm posting this in absentia...hope it worked. I'm still in the southernmost part of the True North Strong and Free right now. Hope all is well with everyone. I'm looking forward to seeing some cranks on this post when I return Tuesday, which will be the next time I post on here.

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Whatcha got cookin'?

"Death in the pot: What is killing America?"
submitted by frequent contributor Jill VH
It's more like what's in the deep fryer, not what's in the pot.

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"Occupy. Do business until I come!"
submitted by frequent contributor Jill VH

Leave Jesus alone while He's trying to get some work done...can't He have a moment's peace?!?

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"Where the difference is worth the distance! Come and worship"
submitted by frequent contributor Jill VH
It appears gas prices are starting to affect church attendance as well...

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submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries
I post this not because it's that crummy of a sign, but because this will be our last sign from Chennai, India as Ryan and Nancy are flying home July 15!! Thanks to them for their dedication over the past while in providing us with crumminess from abroad.

Incidentally, they still need a job upon their return, so go visit their blog if you have any leads...

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Thanks for all the kind comments and emails about my comps. I wrote for 5.5 hours yesterday, and it was pretty exhausting. I don't know that it went "well", but I feel that I did well enough to pass, which is all that matters at this point. I'll keep you posted, I should have my grades in a couple weeks.

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I'm leaving tomorrow for Canada, but I'm going to try to plan ahead for a Friday post so it will automatically post while I'm gone. Look for that.

Anyone in the southwestern tip of Ontario that wants to meet up, look for me at Riverfront Park in Kingsville on Saturday. Or post a comment here...

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Errr...What was I saying again?

"You are never too old to learn but that's what makes us old."
submitted by Grant G.
After this sad display, the sign writing privileges were forever stripped from the Senior Citizens Sunday School class...

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"Without God we are one nation under."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
CURSE YOU CANADA!!!

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"Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: For thou art my strength."
submitted by frequent contributor Miriam F.
A subtle cry of help from the church nursery??

Note: This is a Bible verse. I just think most of us would appreciate an updated translation so that we don't have to look up "privily" in our pocket dictionary as we speed down the highway after reading this sign.

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"For heaven's sake. What are you doing?"
submitted by frequent contributor Duane B.
To give this church credit, this sign was facing north next to the southbound lanes of traffic.

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As far as the new humor-blogs ranking thing is working: Looks like it takes h-b a while to recognize each post. So, if you click the logo and it tells you that it can't recognize the post you just came from, just glance below that message and see if the current post is the first one listed. If it isn't, you can just go ahead and place a vote for the previous day's post :)

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Well, I'm off to take my comp exams this morning. Wish me luck. If all goes well, this will be the last thing I have to do en route to my M.S.T. in Middle Grade Mathematics.

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To win in a Spelling Bee...

"To win in a reletionship don't keep score."
submitted by frequent contributor Duane B.
So it's true when they say marriage keeps you "tied" down.

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"Potluck dinner to follow. Bring a dish-friend"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B.
I'd rather bring a human-friend.

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"If you think it's hot & smokey here...!"
submitted/originally posted on Practical Worship

Sweet! Heaven has BBQ!


Note: Nathan from P.W. has a neat little write-up on this sign. Visit the link above.
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"America is a song it is best sung together."
submitted by frequent contributor Shelley
"...and as long as the rest of you folks hurry up and become Christians, we can start singing."

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"The Bible says, 'But have you read it'"
submitted AND reviewed by Brett M.
From Paul's letter to The Slackers?

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So, humor-blogs has a brand new system for ranking blogs. You can go here to read about it, but to summarize: I need everyone to sign up for membership at humor-blogs, whether you have a blog or not. When you click on the little green logo at the bottom of each CCS post, you will be asked to rate that particular post. Some recent commentators will no doubt choose the grumpy face, but I hope many of you will choose the "LOL" face, or at worst the smiley face. Then the funniest blogs (by way of adding the happy and subtracting the sad) will move their way to the top.

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Brent from Ominous Comma has a great message posted to his blog. It has a July 4 theme, but also a theme that most fans of CCS will likely embrace. Go enjoy it.

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So: Go sign up for h-b if you haven't already. If you have....please follow the instructions below:

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Misty water-color church signs...

"Memories"
submitted/asst. post title by frequent contributor Duane B.
Special music this week by Barbra Streisand.

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"Patience is bitter but its fruit is very sweet"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B.
Somehow they're managing to make patience sound like a bad thing...

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"The face of grace"
submitted by frequent contributor Duane B.
Next Sunday: 'The bust of trust'.

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"Come Sunday for a special day. We're worshiping God."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B.

Next week, we'll be back to the same old routine...

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"A dam holds back water. It's not my name. -God"
submitted by new contributor Jason N.
'But have you met my son, "Jesus Christ"??'

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Happy Independence Day everyone!

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He agrees: Your wife is always right.

"Need a marriage counselor? I'm available... -God"
submitted by T.M.
Seriously...if He can put up with His bride for as long as He has, He must have some good advice.

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"One thing you cannot recycle is wasted time."
submitted by Elizabeth D. (Happy b-day!!)
So who's going to give me back the five seconds I wasted reading this?

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"If he brought you to it He will take you through it."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
Though I sometimes wish we could just go around it instead.

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"God constructed us to live for more than ourself"
submitted by frequent contributor Laura R.
Shoot...I like living for myselves.

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PhotoCrank has a new feature you should check out...when you go to Crank a photo, type in "church" into the search box. There are a few custom images I requested to make your cranking of church signs all the more easier. Hope you enjoy them. Let me know what you think in the comments section. Also, if you can think of other images/characters that would be good for cranking church signs, let me know. I used one of the custom images on the first sign, and Ryan from PhotoCrank used a couple on yesterday's post.

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Except for that one time...you were alone then.

"You've never cried alone. Jesus is always there."
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
If Jesus is always around when I'm crying, doesn't that mean I DON'T want to be around Jesus all that often?

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"What would Jesus do? Just do it!"

submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.

The bracelet fad explodes into popular new cross-trainers!

(Note: The best possible joke for this sign is one I've already used...it was in the book, in fact. Any longtime readers care to guess? Please comment below...)

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"God's call of the unremarkable."

submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Note: He didn't mean on your church signs.

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"Jesus first, others second, yourself last."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Laura R.
And since Jesus himself said 'The last shall be first...', that sort of puts me back up at the top. Sorry, Jesus!

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"Worship in the fast lane Wednesdays"
submitted by frequent contributor Hilary S.
Thursdays it's the HOV lane, Fridays it's the sidewalk. We're really bad drivers.

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The Church Who Wouldn't Grow Up:

"Think lovely thoughts. They'll lift you up into the air. -Peter Pan"
submitted by new contributor Jonathan P.
Like Jesus says:
"All it takes is faith and trust
But the thing that's a positive must
Is a little bit of pixie dust."

I'm pretty sure that's a Beatitude, in fact.

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"Seek ye first the kingdom of 'God' "
submitted by frequent contributor Ann S.
Or whatever we're calling Him these days.

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"Jesus Christ: The name on everyone's lips."
submitted by frequent contributor Chandler C.
I mean, did you see what He was wearing on the red carpet last weekend?

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submitted by David A.
I have no problem with the message, just thought some of you might get a kick out of the church name.

(For those not from the Deep South, there's a town in Mississippi named "Chunky". There's a river close by that is named, of course, the Chunky River.)

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"How not to be a Christian"
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.
Yeah, we've got that part down pat. Let's move on to something more constructive.

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I have a LOT of signs to get through...Duane from VA. just sent me an email, and frequent readers will know what that means: About 2 weeks worth of posts in one email!

Unfortunately, I take my Comp Exams for my Master's Degree next Tuesday (ALMOST DONE!), so I might be sort of hit-or-miss on the posting. There's a lot of Exam Prep to be done in the next week, and unfortunately for me Metal Gear Solid 4 on the PS3 is proving to be a wonderful distraction.

On top of that, I then leave for Canada on the Thursday following where I won't have posting access at all. I might wrangle together a guest post or two for next week, but in the meantime stay tuned. It might be sporadic or at weird times, but I will crank a couple of posts out this week. There's some really great crumminess to get to.

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Also: Happy Canada Day, everyone!!

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