Do we really need a lesson?

"How to be miserable"
submitted by new contributor wren
"And now for Point 47 in this sermon, as we enter our third hour...."

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"Persistent Alibi"
submitted by new contributor wren

"I swear, officer: I was listening to this 4-hour sermon about being miserable..."

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"Jesus is our bright and morning star."
submitted by Sharyn B.
Not so much a comment about this sign in particular: In researching whether this sign was biblically correct or not (since I know Satan is called "morning star" at some point), I discovered that some people have a lot of time on their hands and are worried about very silly things.

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"God is like Delta: He's ready when you are."
submitted by frequent contributor Christine
Also, God went bankrupt in 2005.

Yep, it's too bad: Looks like the cattle on a thousand hills are in arrears.

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You all are doing a great job with the PhotoCranks. Keep it up!

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No Experience Necessary:

"Now hiring church sign writer"
submitted by new contributor Leo C.
There are about 900 reasons on this very website as to why the last one got may have been fired.

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"Accept Jesus or take the heat."

submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Unless the count is 3-0, in which case you should always be sitting "dead red".

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"If you're pretending, stop attending."
submitted by MaryBeth S.
This must be what they call one'a them there "Seeker Sensitive" churches.

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"Don't get parched. Let God reign on you."
submitted by new contributor Jenn L.
Let's ask Noah how that turned out for him...

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Well, this is the first new post since I added PhotoCrank. There's been some solid ones added to the archives, but let's see what you people can do with the two pictures in this post. I started you off with one on the first sign.

More crumminess tomorrow...

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For Immediate Release: CCS goes Interactive With PhotoCrank

NASHVILLE, TN: Popular humor blog Crummy Church Signs is pleased to announce the addition of a new level of interactivity. Readers can now make their voices heard through the Web 2.0 application PhotoCrank, which allows readers to comment directly on photos which are posted to the site.

Rather than a plain-jane, boring comments section, readers are now encouraged to snark away using PhotoCrank. A brief demonstration of the device being used on Crummy Church Signs can be found here (originally a pitch from PhotoCrank creator 'Hup', forever immortalized in the minds of humor-blogs.com readers in this post (NSFW)). Visitors can also see the first sign that CCS proprietor Joel Bezaire Crank'd -- the first picture in the post immediately below this one (the one about itchy clothes and mean/boring people). Just press the "Play" button to see Joel's Crank on the sign.

Every picture on CCS (including archives) can now be Crank'd by anyone with razor wit and ten seconds to spare. Bezaire promises that if any hilarious Cranks are posted on older signs, he will link to them in future posts so the entire community can enjoy them without having to go archive-diving.

"CCS has always been about the community," said Bezaire. "We rely on pictures from readers, and many of our funniest reviews are from readers as well. PhotoCrank is simply the logical next step in ensuring reader participation."

Bezaire assured long-time CCS readers that this will not change the daily operations of the blog. "The normal comments section will still exist. I'll still post my best snarky comment underneath the picture, like always. However, if I have a hard time deciding between snarks, I might put a second choice in the PhotoCrank section. Or, I might Crank the submitter's review. The options are endless. The best part will be seeing hilarious Cranks from my best commentators."

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So, folks, what are you waiting for? Find your favorite CCS in the archives and start Crankin' away!

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Judgemental? Why yes, that is us!

"Itchy clothes, boring and mean people, that's not our church."
submitted by frequent contributor Ann S.
In fact, we wear no clothes whatsoever!


Ann says this sign is a direct swipe at a Pentacostal church down the road: Full black suits on the men, bonnets and dresses on the women, etc. And, apparently, also very mean and boring.

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"Try our sun worship"

submitted AND reviewed by Rebekah S.
It's time to accept Amun-Ra as your personal Lord and Savior.

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"You're never alone when Crist is by your side."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Laura R.
"By your side", as preferable to indwelling within you?

And "Crist" was spelled correctly on the other side. Maybe they only had one "H"?

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"Good is better than bad, do good."
submitted by Jeremy M.
Never mind this folks...move along...nothing to see here.

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"Sometimes God's love hurts."
submitted by Amy N.
Well, to give them credit: Jesus was raised in Nazareth.


(The best part is that Amy says they had a sign for a day care right on the church sign. Sign me up!)

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I'm going to try adding a fun new application either today or tomorrow. It'll bring the interactivity of CCS for you, the reader, to a whole new level. I'll come back with a new post once it's installed and ready to go. Check back for that sometime this week.

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Sarcasm: Always a Great Idea on a Church Sign!

"I thought it didn't matter what you believed - right?"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
No, no, you got it all wrong: It doesn't matter what you believe.


Also: Dexter's Original Pentacostal Church. Don't settle for imitations!

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"Prayer is time not talking"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
And the sermon is time not listening?

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"Good intentions without actions are worthless"
submitted AND reviewed by Miriam F.
The best part, Miriam says, is that the other side was blank.

They must have had good intentions to fill it...

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"What if Jesus came yesterday and..."
submitted by Meghan S.
"Perhaps he was dictating?"
"Oh, shut up."

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The last time I asked you to identify the pop culture reference, I got reprimanded because it was too easy.

So just never mind this time! :P

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God hates deadbeat dads?

"God loves the man who brings his children to church rather than sending them."
submitted/post title by frequent contributor Sarah A.
Though he's ambivalent if you just keep your kid at home on Sundays.

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"One cannot be happy and envious at the same time."
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah A.
Man...I wish I'da thought of that.

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"Free blood pressure screening. June 22, 10 AM"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Not a bad idea...but notice that the date is this Sunday morning.

Hmmm...false advertising, or a bait-and-switch, perhaps?

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"Why do you ring my bell?"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Susannah
You said I could!

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"There isn't a single thing that Jesus can't conquer, cotrol, or change."-
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Bruce B.
The multiplicity of bad church signs has apparently overwhelmed Him, though.


And my father assures me: They did, in fact, spell "control" incorrectly.

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No post tomorrow...my wife is taking the day off of work, we're going to the zoo and some other fun places. Have a great weekend! See you Monday...

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How to find true friendship:

"A friend is someone you can use and, when you do, use him good."
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah A.
I'd hate to see their definition of "enemy".

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"Need home improvement? Bring your family to church."
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah A.
Pastor Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, and Deacon Al.

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"Fathers are the soul support of children."
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah A.
Screw you, moms.

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"Walk by faith, not by site."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Jack M.
Wow, I guess it really isn't all about location, location, location.

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"God is not my crutch. He's my defibrillator."
submitted by Mary E.
I'm guessing this sign caused any potential visitors to "clear" out.

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So that's what happened to the Jerky Boys...

"Lakeview U.C. wishes you a happy new year fruit cakes 586-1045"
submitted by Mike H.
Two weeks earlier, it was "Merry Christmas, @$$holes"


Seriously...who buys fruitcakes by phone anyhow?

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submitted by Ishmael

You have to call the Pastor "Doc" throughout the entire sermon series.

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"Think white. Think pure. Think snow."
submitted by Cody S.
I don't care how much the KKK tries to rehab their image, I am simply not buying it.

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"Looking for employment? God has a job for you."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
So when the boss fires you, he literally fires you.

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Which faith are they talking about?

"Look beyond reason and you'll find faith."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
Is. 1:18: "Come, let us be unreasonable together," says the Lord....

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"What am I supposed to do...?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
We've told you: Stop making crummy signs.

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"Faliure is the path of least persistence"
submitted by frequent contributor Nicholas C.
Looks like the exam results are in for CdA Christian School....

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"Aim for the eyes, ears, nose and tongue."
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.
Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why...


Alternately, had this sign been reviewed by Michael Scott, Regional Manager:
"That's what she said."
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"Your father is someone you will always look up to, no matter how tall you get."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
That's because daddy keeps knocking me to the floor.

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Bonus points to anyone who quickly recognizes the reference in the "ears" sign.

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Well, it's about time.

"Doing God's Work Now"
submitted/post title by frequent contributor Fold My Laundry Please
See?!? Crummy Church Signs must have helped them change their approach! Look at all the good things we do around here!

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"We are looking for a few people who make misteaks!"
seen online by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
I have a beef with this sign.

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"Church of God parking lot. Not a street."
submitted by Andrea R.
We'd build a moat with a drawbridge, but it's just not in this year's budget.

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"Aren't you glad you don't need gas to get to heaven?"
submitted by frequent contributor Tara
Then I guess that means I can stop eating all these beans?

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"GOLF Season: God Offers Love, Forgiveness."
submitted by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
BASEBALL Season: Brutally Awful Signs Encourage Berating And Loud Laughter.

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Feel free to come up with your own Crummy Church Sign sports acronyms in the comments section.

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Guest Posting at Mattress Police Today

While Diesel is out on vacation, I'm guest posting over at Mattress Police. Head over and check out today's post. (It's probably only funny if you're a regular reader over there...but go ahead and check it out anyways.)

More crumminess tomorrow!

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A Family Affair

Today, we have a bunch of signs seen and reviewed by members of my family. First of all, these were seen and reviewed by my sister Emily.

"TGIF - Today God is First"
In here, it's always Sunday.

"Make your life a story worth telling."
Embellish as necessary.

Next are signs seen by Emily and reviewed by me:

"A hero is one who can stand a minute longer"
Unlike that wuss Jesus who punked out too early on the cross.

"The hero's life is the seed of freedom"
Three cheers for Superman!

"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work."
That's all it takes to be perfect? Bad news, pal.

And finally, seen by Emily and reviewed by my father Bruce.

"If you cannot do great things, do small things greatly"
Disregard this sign as an example.

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We're running out of days in the week, so expect my guest post at Mattress Police to appear soon. I'll be back with another post on whatever day it finally arrives.

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But is it crummy-proof?

"Lifetime Warranty. Vandal Resistant. Graffiti Resistant. Our 40th Year."
submitted/post title by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Rev. Kenney saw this one in the convention hall at the SBC Annual Meeting.

I think next year I should get a booth and sell my book. How do you think that would go over?

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"Conscience is the root of all truth."
submitted by frequent contributor Ryan DeVries
Sorry Jesus, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

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"Holy Family Festival (sponsored by Bud Light Lime)"

submitted by Brandy H.
The Eucharist: Tastes great, less filling.

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"The best mirror is an old friend"
submitted by frequent contributor Tracy R.
Though be warned: If it's a really old friend, there might be cracks in the mirror.

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In response to yesterday's pathetic use of church signs in the homemade music video, frequent contributor Tracy R. sent in this video done by her church. It's really well done. If you're not a huge Coldplay fan (like I'm not), stick with it to the end. It's worth it. And "enjoy" the incredible crumminess displayed along the way, though you should note that some of the signs used were created on the Church Sign Generator. But not all of them, by any stretch. Yikes.



Great job, Tracy!

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Long time readers will know I've used that "Tastes Great, Less Filling" crack before. Little did I know at the time that a better opportunity would present itself.

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At least they're admitting it.

"Delaying God's Work. 9:30 & 11:00"
submitted by frequent contributor Fold My Laundry Please
...not to mention the time it took for somebody to put this sign up.

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"Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back"
submitted by new contributor Sarah A.
So it's kinda like herpes, except for the "difficult" part.

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"The Bible or Ripley's: Believe it or Not!"
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.
Maybe if the Bible had lame museums in tourist traps, I might be more inclined to buy in to the whole thing.


Oh. My bad.


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And now, another installment of "funny/crummy Christian/church things that aren't necessarily signs"

First, from frequent contributor Ryan DeVries in Chennai, India (who provided the hilarious caption as well):

"Please, we do not want to pray for Jenny's Aunt Matilda again."

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And next, from one of my first-ever frequent contributors Miss Kitty, down in Georgia:

America. Georgia Football. Jesus.

IN THAT ORDER.

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And finally, frequent contributor Shauna H. stumbled on this homemade "music video" of a pretty good song by the band Tree63. Pretty incredible that this video is meant to be inspirational (and, taken from the comments, many were inspired by it.) I wonder how many of them were non-believers. I also wonder how many of the believers who liked it realized how crummy some of the theology was.



Thanks, Shauna!

I'd also like to specifically thank today's lead-off contributor Fold My Laundry, Please. After being quite taken aback with one of my more controversial reviews last week, I still received a submission from her afterwards. Thanks so much for sticking around and submitting!

In fact, since I've likely offended everyone at some point, thanks to all of you for sticking around, reading, and submitting. It's all in good fun. And hopefully it might change in some small way how we think about some of the things that we as Christians do.
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I'm doing a guest post at Mattress Police this week, I just don't know what day it'll run. I'll come back with a second post today if it's today. Stay tuned.

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Also: Do you Facebook? Click here to add me:



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Third Commentary Contest WINNER

Congrats to Kadi, this week's winner! Email me your address, and I'll get a book out to you! Also, you can put this up on your blog:


Second place went to newcomer Keva:
"Hey, as long as you're on your knees you might as well do double duty."

(That one was somewhat controversial, as it was likely the edgiest review yet in the history of CCS. Sorry to those of you who thought it crossed the line. I guess that's the danger with these contests. But once a review that funny is submitted, it's not like I can't include it in the top 10. Thanks, Keva!!)

Third place went to Eric P.:
"Overheard in the Sign Committee meeting: 'Sure, that's a great slogan. It's inspirational, and Joel and his friends couldn't possibly find any double entendres in a simple garden implement.' "

I'll update the standings on the sidebar.

I'm taking a break from the contests for a week or two. For one thing, Kadi just won the last copy of the book that I have on hand. Of course, if some of you wanted to buy a copy, I would have to order more, which means I could add a few to my order so I could start running the contests again! :) Remember that all proceeds from the sales of the book have gone to Compassion. $250 raised so far by the lovely readers of CCS! And thanks to those of you who have been purchasing CCS merchandise as well. I thought nobody was interested until Zazzle recently sent me a check. Funds received from the purchase of merchandise are also donated, this time to the "Joel Just Got A PS3 And Wants Some Games" Fund.

Also, if I were allowed to host Google ads on this page (still fuming about that one...) I would donate all of that money to Compassion as well. Since I can't: If anybody has a company and wants to advertise on this site, we can work something out that simply allows you to donate the money directly to Compassion and write it off as tax deductible. Just shoot me an email...

Stay tuned next week for more crumminess, and also my guest appearance at Mattress Police!

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I'll have Decaf:

"Free coffee. Eternal Life. Membership has its privileges."
submitted by new contributor Danny M.
We listed them in order of importance.

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"If we don't talk you don't have a prayer. -God."

submitted by new contributor Laura R.
"Seriously, Gabriel: If he doesn't call me soon, it's over between us!"

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"Conscience is a faults alarm. God is the battery."

submitted by new contributor Laura R.
Of course, the battery is only there in case the real power goes out.

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"See the world's strongest redneck!"
submitted by frequent contributor Christine
This Sunday at St. Barnum and Bailey's Baptist Church!


That's one of those signs where there almost has to be a picture to even believe it exists.

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Last day to vote!!

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We'll never tell!

"Wonder what goes on here between weddings and funerals?"
submitted by The Grammarphile
Preparation for the next wedding or funeral?

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"Love will come with God"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor S. K. Sutton
But does it come with fries?

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"Dare to live without limitations!
Sun 8, 10:30 AM & 6 PM"
submitted/asst reviewed by frequent contributor S. K. Sutton
The rest of the week you should probably know your boundaries.

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"Desperate House Lives"
submitted by new contributer Bibberly
Sundays following Extreme Church Makeover.

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"You asked 'Why Hell?' "
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah R.
Why Hell? Have you seen the real estate prices in Heaven? Pretty soon it'll cost somebody their firstborn to get into there!

Oh...never mind...

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So there was a little controversy with yesterday's post. I debated all afternoon about addressing it or just leaving it all alone. I finally decided that if I chase enough of you people away then I won't have to write this blog anymore :)

Seriously, though...Over the last 3+ years I have gone out of my way to pick on every flavor and denomination of Christianity, plus plenty that aren't associated with Christianity. We can debate about theology and the like (and maybe some of you would like to) but that's not why this blog exists (though we can start another blog for that purpose, if you like).

The point of this blog is this: As Christians, NONE of us do as good a job of following Jesus as we should. Me included. If that makes you uncomfortable, then good: That's what I'm here for. I'm not here to laugh solely at other people's expense; I need to laugh at my expense, too. That way I might spur myself on to changing some things in myself, and maybe spur some change in others also.

If you call yourself a Christian and you're not here for that same reason, if you can't laugh at yourself, then this probably isn't a site that you want to frequent. That doesn't bother me one bit.

If you aren't a Christian and are just here to laugh at the strange people with the crummy signs, then you're welcome too. Just understand that a lot of us feel we should be representing our Savior a whole lot better than we do.

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Get your votes in on the caption contest!

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I knew I shoulda turned left at Albuquerque...

"What Baptists Believe.
How to get to Heaven from LA"

submitted by frequent contributor Trevor P.
Next Sunday: How to get to hell from Detroit.
(Hint: It's a much shorter trip).

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"Now That's Temptation!
Matt 4: 1-11"
submitted by new contributor Sean H.
Now That's Temptation! : It's the wacky new reality show from Fox!

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"Whatever you say!"
submitted by new contributor Sarah H.

After seeing his first church sign, Joseph Smith wondered how he could effectively put its message into practice...

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"Deceit is designed to look like the truth."
submitted AND reviewed by Sarah R.
...and crummy church signs are designed to look insightful.

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"Total trust in times of tumult"
submitted by frequent contributor Susannah
Terribly trite...try telling truths to transform instead.

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Get your votes in! It's a close race!

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VOTE for your favorite comment!

D.J. Williams:
"The Rahab Story: Misapplication 2,564"

Keva:
"Hey, as long as you're on your knees you might as well do double duty."

Allen's Brain:
"Oh yeah, planting helps too."

Rev. Arnold Hendrix:
"This sounds like a job for...Santa Claus!"

Brad:
"Who knew you could harvest penicillin?"

given:
"Well, except for you Sally. You're the virgin sacrifice in case the "hoeing" doesn't pan out."

Kadi:
"Just make sure to avoid fertilization."

kq:
"Hosea's admonition to Gomer during a season of drought."

Eric P:
"Overheard in the Sign Committee meeting: 'Sure, that's a great slogan. It's inspirational, and Joel and his friends couldn't possibly find any double entendres in a simple garden implement.' "

Poke:
"Because God always has a few Tricks up his sleeve."

Opinion Polls & Market Research

I'd like to thank Poke and Brad, whose various comments made me laugh out loud no less than three times each. Of course, I had to pick their best ones to be represented in the contest. There were lots of other great ones, too. Thanks to everyone for their efforts!

Get your votes in by Thursday midnight, and I'll declare a winner on Friday.

In the meantime, plenty of crumminess all week. Stay tuned!

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