This is the Crumminess:

"These are the words"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
That's right, Johnny. Those are the words. Now can you point to the numbers??

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"Still old fashion. Come and see."

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Rev. Jim P.
Well, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

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"Looking for an old fashion Bible preaching church? You just found it."
submitted by new contributor Rev. Jim P.

Great! What's next on the scavenger hunt?!? Hurry!!


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"Avoid mixing the narrow mind and the wide mouth."
submitted by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
So I shouldn't ever put a televangelist and a lake bass in the same room? I think I can manage that.

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"God remembers ISA 49:15 and forgets JER 31:34"
submitted by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
Pretty soon He'll barely be able to take care of Himself. Poor guy.

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So I've been receiving some fairly heavy traffic from an online Dutch (I think...) newspaper. If anyone can read Dutch (I think...), would you mind heading over there and see how the article is slanted? Please leave a comment.

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Make mine a double:

"Tent revival with Jack Daniels. May 4-7 6:30"
submitted by new contributor Philip R.
I'd like my Tent Revival shaken, not stirred.

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"We don't change the message, the message changes us."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Poke
Because we are the message's baby.

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"Final warning. Terrible Times ahead & only Jesus can save us."
submitted by new contributor Chris S.

Seriously, this is our last warning before we open up a whole can of whoop-ass on this community.

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"We determine our eternal destiny"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Beau S.
God used to, but ya know...layoffs.

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"Obtaining freedom is not difficult. Keeping freedom is not easy."
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.
Obtaining freedom is not really that difficult. The Revolutionary War was like a walk in the park.


Especially when George Washington was, like, 6'8" and weighed a &*%$ing ton.
(If you get that joke, sorry. If you don't, it's probably best).

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Get your captions in by tonight!

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New Oral Salvation!

"Open mouth. Insert Grace."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor AmberSwan R.
I just hope you know where that grace has been.

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"Have faith in Christ. He put His faith in you."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Scott G.
And Jesus, don't forget to wake us up before you go-go.

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"Isaiah 63: 7-9. A thin line between love and hate"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
God is love. Just don't push Him over the line.

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"When your light breaks forth like dawn"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat

Sorry to single you out, Dawn, but would it kill you to use a little Clearasil?

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"We only fail when we quit"
submitted by new contributor Chris R.
"Enter in, thou good and faithful servant. At least you tried."

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"After death what's your address?"
submitted by frequent contributor Shauna H.
Well, I've always dreamed of retiring to some place warm....


Wait! No!

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Don't forget to get your comments in on this week's commentary contest. Commenting ends Thursday at midnight.

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Commentary Contest Round Three!

"Pray for the harvest but don't stop hoeing."
submitted by new contributor Grant J.

You all know the drill. Add your funniest comments by Thursday midnight. I'll post a poll next Monday and we'll all vote to determine a winner.

One advantage to these contests is that I have a LOT of material saved up. Stay tuned for a great week of crumminess ahead.

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The Second Commentary Contest Winner:

Congrats, Tara! Send me your email and I'll get a book out to you! Oh, and here's your banner:

Second place went to Poke:
"And for the love of God, cover up your melons, Shiela!"

Third place went to Eric P.:
"Crushed by the negative reviews, "Exodus: The Musical" closed later that week."

I'll post another contest on Monday. In the meantime, to make up for yesterday's absence, some more crumminess:
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"It is not the the length of life, but the depth of life. -R.W. Emerson"
submitted by frequent contributor Chris H.
Look, all I wanna know is this: Does size matter or not?!?

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"God is like Alka Seltzer. Try Him, you'll like Him."
submitted/originally posted by new contributor Alice
This sign gives me heartburn.
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"God is like Bounty. He is the quicker picker upper, can handle the tough jobs and He won't fall apart on you."
submitted/originally posted by new contributor Alice
And just when you need His help the most, you find out you're down to the last one?
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"Jesus is love?"
submitted by new contributor Judith G.
We're not sure and we'd like your opinion.

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"If you're interested in flood insurance, ask Noah"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
(Note: Must love animals. And ignore that rainbow)

Note: Allen says this sign was seen in an area with significant flooding recently. It's nice to know that in times of disaster, the church is there to make light of the situation.

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"When God first saw you, it was love at first sight."
submitted AND reviewed by this week's winner Tara

I caught His eye in the freezer section at the Piggly Wiggly.

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Spit Is Finished

"Salavation is the miracle of a moment. Growth is the labor of a lifetime."
submitted by new contributor Sarah B.
Correct spelling is "the miracle of a moment" anymore. Sheesh.

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"The Big Bang Theory. Your kidding."
submitted by new contributor Matt S.
Those scientists and their crazy senses of humor! Is there a hidden camera around here somewhere?!?

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"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
...as long as you've got enough open road to get 'er up to 88 mph.

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"Weather? God reigns and His Son shines!"
submitted by frequent contributor Sammi H.
What does the first question mean? Do I have weather in my life? Yes, pretty much every day some sort of weather manifests itself outside my back door. Amazing, really.

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Get your votes in on the caption contest by tomorrow! And while you're at it, get your votes in on Diesel's caption contest. Yours truly has a caption in the running, and needs to catch up to Brad in overall wins. So far, it doesn't look too promising....

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Boo!

"What's around that corner?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
Today's guest preacher: Stephen King

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"Faith grows best when rooted in tests."

submitted by frequent contributor BRWombat
Uhhh...."False"??

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"Mother: God's angel of love"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
I knew it! I knew they weren't human!

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"Is Jesus your friend?"
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
...because you should have heard some of the things He was saying about you.

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Voting began yesterday...be sure to get your choice in by Thursday. I've seen Poke, Quilly, and Kadi asking for votes...but what about the rest of our candidates?

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Vote for your favorite comment!

Poke:
"And for the love of God, cover up your melons, Shiela!"

St. Schizophrenia:
"Actually, I have no use for songs about milk and honey, crab apples or not."

Tara:
"Unfortunately, this month's potluck was not the success everyone had hoped for."

Quilly:
"Because you're pissing off the bees and curdling the milk."

Dan:
"Unfortunately, the sign committee broke cardinal rule #1: Never vote on a sign when you're hungry."

Kadi:
"Join the Wadded Panties Choir and lay your burdens at the cross (and on the ears of the congregation!)

msforster:
"I think we're living more in the land of beer and corn chips these days.

Eric P:
"Crushed by the negative reviews, "Exodus: The Musical" closed later that week."

Wes K.:
"...because you can't participate in the produce competition and the talent show at the same time; they're on opposite ends of the fairground."

gridlock:
"Only ladies with coconuts or larger are allowed to sing."

Opinion Polls & Market Research

More crumminess all week! Stay tuned!

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Showtime at the Appalling:

Sign 1: "Who was the greatest female financier?"
Sign 2: "Pharoah's daughter. She drew a prophet from the bank"
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Rev. Steve K.
These signs may cause people to lose interest.

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Warning Sign: "Crew working in trees"
Church Sign: "God promises a safe landing not a calm passage."
submitted by frequent contributor Chris J.
File this one under "You know it's time to take a day off from work when..."


Note: Yes, I know I can blow the pictures up to see the signs better. What's funny about this one is the juxtaposition of the church sign and the working sign. No emails about this particular one, please. It's on purpose.
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"Of all the things (I) wear, my expression is the most important"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Chris J.

Really? 'Cause I was kinda hoping you'd say "pants".

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"A hug is the best gift. One size fits all."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
Well I hate to tell you, but that hug makes your ass look HUGE.

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"Thank heavens for godly mothers."
submitted by frequent contributor Tara
...and to hells with the rest.

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Commenting in the second contest has ended. Next Monday, I'll put up the top 10 captions for your voting pleasure. Thanks to everyone who participated!!

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Yes, Youk.

"Who, Meek?" Galations 5:22
submitted/post title by frequent contributor Poke
"Galations" must be in that Mormon bible or something...

...and, by the way, it's Galatians 5:23 that talks about meekness.

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"W.W.J.D. Your website for eternity."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Poke
The church for people who know nothing about the internet.

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"Soft soap in the pulpit won't clean the sinner in the pew!"

submitted by new contributor Aaron C.
It's true: Lava goes nicely with all that hellfire and brimstone.

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"The people who do their best today are the ones to beat tomorrow."
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.
Because beating people is what it's all about.

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RC of StrangeCulture is running a neat series on a particular church sign. Check it out!

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Friend of CCS Rickey posted this hilarious letter to Indiana Jones from his accountants. Great stuff, check it out.

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Comments are due by midnight tonight!

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Twice the Crumminess:

"No one is poor who has had a Godly mother."

"Nobody is poor who has had a Godly mother"
both signs submitted by frequent contributor MJ
These signs were seen within a mile of each other on the same road.

Didn't their Godly mothers teach them never to copy someone else's work??
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"Heaven, don't miss it for the world."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
I've seen the trailer, and it does look pretty sweet.

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"Keep using My Name like that and I'll make traffic worse!"
submitted by new contributor Matt P.
Exodus 20:5: "For I, the Lord your God am a jealous God...and sort of spiteful, with a bit of a mean streak as well..."

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"If wishes were fishes we'd live in the sea."
submitted by Christopher S.
And if Crummy Church Signs were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas.

WTF are they talking about??

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"Come see Young Song"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Christine
Chopsticks provided upon request.

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"Gossip is worse than a lie, because there's some truth to gossip."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Bookgrunt
...and second degree domestic violence is worse than murder, because at least you loved her.

What a horrible sign.

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Get your comments in by tomorrow!

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Just say whatever comes to your mind...

"Say it til it sticks"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
"Don't make crummy signs....don't make crummy signs...don't make crummy signs..."

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"A woman that fear the Lord she shall be praised"
submitted by frequent contributor BRWombat
And a woman who utilizes correct subject-verb agreement shall not be mocked mercilessly.

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"There's a miracle in the house!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
Quick! Shut the doors! Call the exterminator!

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"God is never too busy to listen"
submitted by frequent contributor Poke
Huh? I'm sorry, did you say something?

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"Is your Bible red or read?"
submitted by new contributor Curtis F.
Mine's plaid. Does that count?

What are they talking about??
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"Avoiding a decision is a decision."
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
I'll try and figure out whether I agree with that later.

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"The great oak was once a nut that stood its ground"
submitted by new contributor Ann S.
...so there's hope for some of our congregants yet.

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There's still a few days to get your comments in. We've got some good ones so far, but there's still plenty left to be said about the crab apple sign!

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The Second CCS Commentary Contest!

"No use singing about milk and honey if all you have
to show is crab apples."

This week's sign comes courtesy of frequent contributors Chris and Sharon Bridges.

If you're new to the commentary contest, you can read the rules here.

Have your comments in by Thursday at midnight, and I'll post a Top Ten poll next Monday. We had 83 different comments (some with multiple commentaries) for our first ever contest, so let's see if we can beat that next time!

Once again, I have a copy of the Crummy Church Signs book for the winner! You might also notice that in the right-hand sidebar I've established overall standings for these contests. If you've been paying any attention at all, you can probably figure out the scoring system....

I've got a bunch of crumminess lined up, so stay tuned all week!

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The First Commentary Contest Winner!

Congrats to DJ Williams, our first ever commentary contest winner! It was a very close vote, but DJ pulled it out in the end.

Second place goes to Steve Sensenig, with:

"The gospel according to Van Gogh"

Third place goes to Poke with:

"Sadly, the flame war between the Christian Otologist Federation (COF) and the League of Christian Dentists (LCD) will never end."

Congrats to all three excellent entries, and to everyone who participated!

DJ: Email me with your mailing address, you win a copy of the Crummy Church Signs book!
Also, here's an award badge you can post on your blog:


I'll have a new commentary contest Monday, but in the meantime here is some more crumminess:

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"Pentecost Sunday/ Sermon/No Comma Momma/Happy Mother's Day"

submitted by new contributor Trevor P.

Well at least this church sign admits they're not going to bother with punctuation.

On the other hand: Does anybody know what the &^%$ they're talking about??
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"The deacons told me to change this sign so I did"
submitted by frequent contributor Rachel H.

There is a certain something to be said about devotion to one's job.

You just shouldn't say it about this sign.
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" 'We'll see each other again, Mom' the dead man sat up and said"
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.
This Sunday, a very special "Tales from the Crypt" edition of Sunday School.

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"What is to give light must endure burning."
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara G.
So I should stop taking this penicillin??

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New sign posting format: Yea or Nay??

In case you missed it yesterday, a big "THANKS" to frequent contributor BRWombat for the new header. Great job!

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The Wombat Wins

BRWombat rocked the house with the new header. Thanks, pal!!

Also, due to popular demand, I will now post captions of each sign below each picture to help people read the sign. I liked Daniel #2's idea of an tag, but that doesn't help those who can't read the picture either.


Crummy Church Signs: Soliciting free work from other bloggers with nothing better to do since 2004. Oh, and also helping out people with crappy eyesight and terrible employment situations (c).

(I think that slogan is too big for a business card).

Behold, our omnipresent God:

submitted/originally posted by Susannah P.
Look, kid: He'd really like to come to your soccer game and all, but there's a universe that needs to be run...
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submitted by MJ
Of course, God coming to you in a vision is always helpful...
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submitted by MJ
Siign mee uup for soome of thaat!
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submitted by MJ
He can, however, be mostly a failure.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
Turn the car around!! TURN THE CAR AROUND!!
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"Laughter is God's sunshine"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
Snarking is God's little lightning bolt.
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"God's grace is dripping like honey"
submitted by frequent contributor Tara
...though sometimes it might feel stuck, like ketchup.
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Reader Scott B. has recently complained that his work has blocked pictures from any blogspot website. He asked that I post captions of each picture so he can "get" the snark afterwards. I have a couple questions:

1. Would this benefit anyone else?
2. Would doing this disrupt the "flow" of the joke? I don't want readers to have look for line after line to find the punchline. Would it be disruptive to put the text of the sign every time? Or not?
3. Does anyone know of any new employment for Scott? Because, really: Who wants to work somewhere they can't read CCS??

Please comment below...
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I really need a new header. I took the old one down, I was never really happy with it. I also wouldn't mind changing the color scheme around to match a new header.

Is there anybody out there that wants to make me a new header? If you make one that I like, I'll send you a copy of my book. That's about all I can offer (well, that and some duplicate heroclix I have lying around, and maybe an old CD of my band. So, the book it is!!)

Here's what my header needs:
- 715 pixels (wide) by approximately 250 pixels tall, though it can be a bit taller if it needs to.
- CRUMMY CHURCH SIGNS as the largest text
- "Critical Analyses of Critically Bad Church Signs" as a subtitle

Here's what it could say, but doesn't have to:
- A humor-blogs.com affiliate
- 1 Corintians 4:14: "I am not writing this to shame you but to warn you.."
(OK, I'm writing this to do a little of both).
- Pictures of any of the crummiest signs from this site.

The church sign generator might be of some use as well.

If anyone plans to tackle this project and has any questions, please let me know. In the meantime, I'll keep playing around with ideas and I might accidentally stumble on something I like. I'm not holding my breath, though.
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Voting is almost over. Midnight tonight deadline. There's a new leader!! I'll post the winner tomorrow, along with some fresh (stale?) crumminess.

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Work in progress.

I've been working on some new headers and color combinations.

I have to leave now, and this is where I have stopped. I don't know if I'm keeping it.

It's sort of a 50:50 relationship:

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Sola Factum.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
So does this sign, since it falls flat.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
But if your Armor of God is made of wool, you have much bigger problems.

Like this kid, for example.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Do I hear one? One wasted experience in the life God controls? Thank you sir! How about two? Two wasted experiences?? Thanks, ma'am...THREE wasted experiences?!? Do I hear three??

This sign isn't that crummy...but it is quite a guilt trip.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
But really, are either of those are the best option?
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In case you never read who submits each sign, today was "Rev. Wes Kenney Day" here at CCS. Thanks, brother!

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One more day to vote! It's getting tighter!

Also you can get your voting thrills over at Mattress Police. Some great entries this week! (Except for Brad, who is lobbying to become the first 4x winner at Mattress Police. This is something I want to do first. So his caption is not funny this week and should not be voted for :) )


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Proof That This Blog Isn't Helping (or, "Three of the Worst Signs Ever Submitted.")

submitted by new contributor Rev. David T.
Don't mind us, folks. We'll just be over here lighting the witches on fire and watching the sun revolve around the earth.


And we wonder why Rolling Stone writes articles like this.

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seen on Nicholas Casey's blog. Originally posted on the Church Sign Generator's collection of church signs.
Do it, by all means. Just don't let Him catch you.

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submitted by frequent contributor Julie S.
Someone there is that doesn't like a church sign.
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800+ church signs, 3-and-a-half years of blogging, one book published...and I still get three church signs of this epically low quality submitted within days of each other.

Excuse me for a moment whilst I go and slam my head repeatedly on my desk for a while.

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OK, I'm back.

Remember you have until Thursday to get your votes in on the commentary contest.

The race is tightening up. Who's it going to be?!?

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VOTE for the BEST COMMENT!

Steve Sensenig:
"The gospel according to Van Gogh"

D.J. Williams:
"But honestly, your face as a whole isn't your best tool."

Allen's Brain:
"Why the Winged Victory of Samothrace is so lonely."

Alli:
"What?!?! I just spent 4 grand on braces!!"

Saint Schizophrenia:
"Yeah, only those who like aural sex."

Bruce:
"However if you don't want any friends at all, try using a sign."

Eric P:
"From "Too Polite Euphemisms, Vol. 7". Listed under 'Shut Up'. "

Poke:
"Sadly, the flame war between the Christian Otologist Federation (COF) and the League of Christian Dentists (LCD) will never end."

Diesel:
"On the other hand, it's not really about quantity, is it?"

Scott Gordon:
"Perhaps God should have thought of that when He made Eve for Adam."

Opinion Polls & Market Research

If you vote, feel free to leave a comment about who you voted for, why you liked their comment, and anyone else you considered. Remember that the winner receives a signed copy of the Crummy Church Signs book. I also might make a little web banner that they can put on their blog.

This first contest really exceeded my expectations in terms of both the quantity and quality of the comments. There were about 5 or 6 others I really wanted to include. Great job, everyone!! I have an absolutely terrible sign saved up for the next contest, which I'll probably bust out next Monday. That is, if you all enjoyed the contest. Is this something you'd like to see more of at CCS? Let me know in the comments section, please! And if you just can't get enough commenting, today is the last day to get your captions in for Diesel's Incredible Hulk themed contest.

In the meantime, I have maybe the worst sign ever submitted for tomorrow. Really. No lie. You have to see this to believe it.


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Watch for Water in Roadway:

submitted/post title by frequent contributor BRWombat
Is must be the rogue Shakespearean troupe performing near the water that's hindering you.


(Bible verses are normally OK. But could we please give it some context....and a translation from the past 250 years?)
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submitted by frequent contributor BRWombat
Oh, good. Now that I know what it isn't I'll be sure to recognize it when I see it.


BRWombat and I agree: Why wouldn't they finish that verse?!? Or just put the last half??
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
It means someone should proofread your signs?
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"At the end of your inning, don't strike out."
submitted by frequent contributor Rachel H.
But if you pop out to the shortstop, that's OK.
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Commentary has ended on the contest. I have a pretty good idea of the Top Ten already, but I'll review this weekend. Come back Monday for the poll and vote for your favorite! I'll announce the winner next Thursday after a few days of voting.

Meanwhile if you can't get enough captioning, I'm pretty sure Diesel is due for another caption contest starting today. See how I timed that? Do you see what I did there??
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I have had two of the worst signs ever submitted this past week. I'll come back with one early next week, and I might just save the other for the next commentary contest. Either way...you don't want to miss next week's posts. Wow.
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It's Hard Out There For A Church Secretary...

submitted by Glacial Spain
Well instead of trying to change the sign daily, they should move to weekly.

(Except that most church signs are already done "weakly".)

HAR!
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submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Their preacher must get really tired.
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submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Your character, maybe.
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"We are open between Easter and Christmas"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
...but from Christmas to Easter, we're closed.
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Get your comments in by midnight! I'll choose the best ones over the weekend and post a poll on Monday's post. Remember, the winner receives a copy of my book!

Back with more crumminess tomorrow!
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