No...I don't wanna.

submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
Uh oh...I see a Valley of the Shadow of Death in your future...
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submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
C U L8R.
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submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
I'm pretty sure that they're spies and this is a code to America's enemies.

Somebody stop them!!
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submitted by new contributor Kevin W.
Winter is God's way of saying "I'm through with you people for a while."
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"The best songs come from broken hearts"
submitted/asst. reviewed by new contributor Sammi H.
Only if you're a fan of emo and country.
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The commentary contest is still open! Get your best comments in by midnight tomorrow (Thursday). There are some hilarious ones so far, but there's some low-hanging fruit left over for anyone who wants to take a crack.

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Johnny Virgil has a mighty amusing anecdote revolving around a church sign. Check it out.

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The First CCS Commentary Contest!

Stealing a page from my good friend Diesel's book, I'm going to do occasional "Commentary Contests" here on CCS. It's like a caption contest, but it's just basically seeing who can come up with the best, most snarkiest commentary on a particular church sign. These won't be weekly contests like Diesel's, just every so often when the whim strikes me. Mostly, they'll happen whenever I find a sign that people will have a field day with. This week is the first!!

Here are the rules:
- leave your commentary in the comments section
- leave as many different commentaries as you like
- Have all comments in by Thursday at midnight CST.
- Next Monday, I will post the top ten (or less) entries here on the blog. Voting again ends Thursday at midnight.
- The person with the most votes wins a signed copy of the Crummy Church Sign Volume 1 book.

The shorter the comment, the sweeter. Long, theological diatribes probably won't get chosen. Short, snarky, and clever will get the job done.

OK, here's the picture for this week's contest, courtesy of frequent contributor Jill Van Horne:


Have fun! I'd like to have to work very hard to find the top ten, so be sure to leave your best comment(s) below! Let's fill up the comments section!

I've got tons of crumminess lined up for this week, so be sure to come back tomorrow.

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Step One: Dismantle Church Sign

submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
So God's like Ikea now??
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submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
Please provide your own witches to burn.
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submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
Lucky for you we've run out of nails.
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"Stuck in traffic? Try a donkey!"
submitted by Glacial Spain
Or just stay home and watch church on TV.
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"Pick a hand. Any hand."
submitted by Glacial Spain
...as you can see, there's nothing hidden in my vestments....
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Thanks to everyone who voted and helped me win my third caption contest. You can see the award in the sidebar to the right.

I have a lot of crumminess this week, and tons with pictures (Thanks, everybody!!). And I might have a special surprise tomorrow...stay tuned!!

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So they work all the time?

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
But their health and dental plans are pretty decent, so it all balances out.

Joel's note: By the way, that Bible verse has nothing to do with holidays at all.
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submitted by frequent contributor BRWombat
Or maybe you just have the wrong emotion.

Or if you're reading this sign, maybe you just have the wrong church.
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"Loyalty is one thing leaders canno't do without."
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.
A sign that truly inspires confidence in the leadership.

Sometimes I canno't believe these signs....
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"To walk on water, you must first get out of the boat."
submitted by frequent contributor Aubree R.
Depends which boat.
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So are church signs messages:

submitted by new contributor D.J. W. and Brandt D.
They're both a lot better with grape jelly, too.
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor The Poke Show
Today's sermon brought to you by Gatorade:

Christ: Is He in you?!?

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"God's Transfer of Authority
Dr. Nasir Siddiki
May 2-4"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Nice of God to let us know about that.

(Jennifer also passes along this website related to the event. Heck, now that I know an eagle is involved, I'm there!)
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"God made you. God claimed you. You are special."
submitted by frequent contributor Jamie D.
Rev. Stuart Smalley, preacher.
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Don't forget to vote, vote, vote!!

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Artificial Intelligence:

submitted by frequent contributor Steve S.
So you're saying it's my humility that makes me so genuine? Why, I couldn't possibly accept such an accolade. There are so many people more deserving of such praise, and you choose to recognize lil' ol' me?!? Why, I am so honored, but never in a million years did I imagine...
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submitted by frequent contributor Steve S.
And for some reason, Charlie Sheen is on top.
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We'll wrap up today with what has been an increasingly popular submission. Signs that aren't church signs, but signs for other businesses that seek to purport (extort?) their Christian "virtue":


submitted by Ron G.
A sale on piercings for Easter? Ballsy!
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submitted AND reviewed by Quilly
Finally a church I can sink my teeth into!
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submitted by new contributor Bob A.
God is awesome...but not as awesome as our new climate controlled 10x20 storage units for only $59.99 per month!!!
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Also the Lapped Catholic directed us to this picture of a PowerPuff Jesus.

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I've made the finals of a caption contest once again. I think Diesel just picked me because I send a lot of traffic his way when I link to him, not because my caption was particularly good this week. Although looking at the current voting, I could be wrong on that. At any rate... Go vote for the best caption!

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Humm....are you idiots??

submitted by f.c. Katherine Trexler. Originally posted here.
I hope the federal government rips their tax exempt status right out from under them. Jerks.

I wonder if they'd ever post "McCain Hussein...Hummm are they cousins?" (Not that they should, mind you.)

Note: This sign was submitted by at least three other folks, but Katherine was first so she gets credit.
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submitted/asst. reviewed by new contributor Anne W.
Above all.

Including salvation, redemption, etc...


Also: Is this church named after the pastor?? Really?!?
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes. Kenney
What kind of battles to Godly alliances produce?
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"New teaching service: You drive me crazy"
submitted by frequent contributor Christine
New learning service: You didn't have all that far to go.
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"Time you enjoy wasting is not wasting time"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jamie E.
Especially when you're wasted.
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Happy Blue Monday

submitted by new contributor Adam H.
Wow...I've heard of God's chosen people, but that's just ridiculous.


(Adam says: "In their defense, it did snow on Easter". But seriously...with as many wrong ways as there are to take that sign, why bother?)
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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
Ummmmm what if we used proper punctuation.
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submitted by Chris H.
Well, at least it's not another PowerPoint.
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"The birds are back. The grass is green. God did it again."

submitted by frequent contributor Tara, OH
Yeah, I just wish He'd stop taking the winters off.
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"Even Jesus had a fish story."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara, OH
-"I'm telling you, Peter, it was THIS BIG!"
-"Sure, Lord"

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Did you miss me? I'll be back to regularly scheduled crumminess this week. Stay tuned. And keep sending in those signs (especially pictures)!

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Not great timing...

...but I'm out of town with a field trip the next couple of days. I'll have no time to throw a post out there. I hate that with all the new readers, but oh well. Visit back on Monday for more new crumminess. Hey, spend some time in the archives in the meantime, or maybe visit one of my favorite humor-blogs, like

Mattress Police - Seriously: Diesel should have been Farked way before me. And I sincerely mean that in every way imaginable.

Clay Pigeon - Joint-effort comedy magazine, now in a holding pattern. We'll get back to this some day. Great stuff, though.

I Don't Think It's Going To Rain - My favorite blog by a 20-something Canadian girl. Also, one of my favorite blogs, period.

See Mike Draw - Great little cartoons.

The Ominous Comma - Oddly addictive.

The Frog Bog - Well, I would link to this one, but he got hacked. Oh well.

Peace. See you all Monday.

-Crummy Joel

Most don't need any leading:

submitted by new contributor Jonathan E.
Seriously...have you met these kids?

By the way, Jonathan's friend(s) decided the sign needed some rearranging:

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submitted by new contributor Garth K.
What, no orphans??
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submitted by new contributor Glen M.
You can't make this stuff up.
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"Tomb available.
Used only 3 days.
Inquire within."
submitted by new contributor Lisa J.
It's more of a "flipper", though. Needs a whole new rock in front of the entrance.
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Well, yesterday was an interesting day around here. 25,000 unique visitors, for starters. Fark.com linked my way, which sent most of the free world over here. Thanks for all the new submissions and comments, and I hope most of you will come back regularly!


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Some restrictions apply:

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
The government bail-out has officially gone too far.
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submitted by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
...because your old life off-line sucks.
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"Spring washes away the dark and dingy world"
submitted by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
Apparently Satan is like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. All it takes is a little water...
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A couple of interesting tidbits from CCS world. First, some may have missed the comment left by "Anonymous" on last Thursday's post (the post that Emily guest-posted):

"Joel your a #1 jerk these churches has done nothing to you. I AM PERSONAL GOING TO NOTIFY THE PASTORS OF THESE LOCAL ASSEMBLIES AND HAVE LEGAL ACTION TAKING AGAINST YOU AND THIS SITE FOR UNEXCUSED ACTS TO DESTROY THE CHARACTER OF THESE CHURCHES AND THERE CONGREGATIONS"

I post this partly to show the incredible intestinal fortitude it takes for someone to post such threats under the pseudonym "Anonymous". If you're gonna sue me, then you probably ought to have the stones to back up your threats. Just sayin'.

Secondly, I use this empty threat to segue into a note I received from a new reader, named Dee. While the incredibly literate and coherent "Anonymous" claims that ...

"...these churches has done nothing to you..."

...I encourage Anonymous and anyone else to visit Dee's blog and read her personal church sign story. Thankfully, Dee is a Christ-follower whose church sign experience didn't turn her off of Jesus forever. How many stories are there out there with alternate endings??

Allow me to reiterate for the reading public once again. I am a Christian. Christians (me included) should do better than we are currently doing. In all aspects of life. Including church signs. That's why this blog is here. Please read the sidebar disclaimer for more information.

And for Anonymous, all I can say is:

"Eye will try too do better from know on. Their is know excuse for my being a #1 jerk."

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Uh oh...I'm allergic to feathers.

submitted by new contributor The Poke Show
Flap, dammit!! FLAP!!!
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty
Lemme guess...it has something to do with a Potluck??


Seriously: 180 years. Congrats!!
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"God is like General Electric. He brings good things to light."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
I hear He also makes stellar side-by-side refrigerators.
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"Evolution yells 'survival', but does not explain arrival" -M.B.
submitted/asst. reviewed by new contributor Dan B.
If Johnnie Cochran represented Creationists...

(...but who's M.B.??)
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And speaking of evolution....

A tip of the hat to fellow Nashvillian (and Faith Blogger on Nashville is Talking) Gavin from Hit the Back Button to Move Forward for the following wonderful find, originally posted on his blog:





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How To Capture a Crummy Church Sign While Riding In an Autorikshaw...

....an instructional video, with commentary, by Ryan DeVries, Chennai, India:

"The things I will do to get the shot of a CCS (Crummy Church Sign) for Joel to ridicule. I realized why risk a one shot miss of the illusive Ashram of Sri La Sri of Pighill sign when I could take a video... then a screen shot...":

And the resulting screen shot:

Joel' comment: Well, at least they're not out of toilet paper.


Thanks to Ryan and his wife Nancy for their efforts on the other side of the globe. And not just efforts in gathering crumminess, though that is appreciated as well. :)
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Guest Reviewer: Emily, the non-crummy sister

Today, we have a special guest reviewer of church signs....Emily, the non-crummy sister. Emily is an up-and-coming artist, scroll down below the church sign reviews to check out some of her work.

Emily is also an up-and-coming snarker....actually, I take that back. She's got me beat in that area, too. Here are today's signs and reviews, all submitted and reviewed by Emily:

"You are on Heaven's Most Wanted list"

Does John Walsh host that, too?

"Clear your mind of can't"

Okay, as long as 'won't' is still acceptable.

"If love was a crime would you be found guilty"

Well, it is a battlefield, and I do give it a bad name...

"Sin has no minimum wage"

And if it did, it would definitely be higher than $5.85 an hour.

"The path with no obstacles usually leads nowhere"

Video game theology for our modern times.

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As I mentioned, Emily is an up-and-coming artist. You can see samples of her work on her MySpace page, but for those of you without MySpace accounts, here are some of her specialties:

Ink Drawings:





Graphite/Pencil Portraits:



The scans really don't do them justice (especially the portraits), but I think you can see the talent evident there. If you're interested in learning more about them, or in a commission, get in touch with me through the submission button at the bottom of this post, and I'll put you in touch with her.


Speaking of art, you must go read Diesel's fabulous take on Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Shite (LIGHT, sorry.....). Great stuff.

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Keep Clickin'!
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There's a sign on the wall, but she wants to be sure, 'cause you know sometimes words have two....spellings?!?

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
It really makes me wonder....
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
How about a burning bush? Does God still do those?
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
I can't tell if this is a crummy sign or a cry for help.
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"Saturday is Bag Day!"
submitted by frequent contributor Tara
We can only hope this goes much better than last Saturday, which was "Hag Day".

And the Saturday before that...yeesh, don't even ask about that PR nightmare....
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"Extreme makeovers start here!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Eric P.
All together now: "Move that sign! Move that Sign! ...."
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Thank you for your help in clicking banners yesterday. Sorry for my grouchiness, I just hate to wake up to find myself down there almost out of the top ten after having been #1 for soooo long. I realize #1 is very much out of reach at this point (curse you, Johnny Virgil!!), but I would like to think enough people read and like this blog enough for it to stay in the top 5 or so.

Also, thanks to good sport Found S#!t....seriously, if I was that worried about being behind certain blogs, I wouldn't link to them two days in a row, would I? :)

Anyways, as a reward for your hard work, we have a guest post lined up for tomorrow....everyone's favorite guest reviewer, my #1 sister Emily. Those of you who have been around a while know that she provides some of the best bang for the buck. No pictures tomorrow, but plenty of snark. Stay tuned.

Don't forget!!!
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Whatasaviour.

submitted and originally posted on Signs of Intellect
Can I talk to Him through the drive-thru? Is that what they mean by that "Still, Small Voice"?

"Yes, I'll have the 'Loaves & Fish' extra value meal, please...."
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Understanding Ladies Day? Uh, yeah....good luck with that one.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
In other words, whatever you "recieve" is what you deserve.
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"Jesus loves ASU. He still isn't sure about U of A."
submitted by Jared H.
And you can forget all about USA.

Wait...
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"Don't take yourself too seriously. Nobody else does."
submitted by new contributor Barbara B.
They really shouldn't take their complaints with their pastor public like this...
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Look, people. I'll make this clear. If I fall out of the top 10 on humor-blogs.com, I'm done with CCS. No more crumminess. There are plenty of blogs that I don't mind falling "behind", but there are a few ahead of me (and a few more sneaking up on me) that I have absolutely no desire to see due north of Crummy Church Signs. I mean, "Found S#!t"?? Really?? How can a blog that simply posts other people's pictures be ahead of this one....

Wait....never mind....don't answer that....

Seriously, though, I don't put these banners on here for the good of my health. They're there for you to click on!! I think some of us are taking our daily dose of crumminess for granted these days, and not pulling our weight.

This post cross-posted on AND YOU SHOULD CLICK ON ONE OF THESE BANNERS DAILY, PREFERABLY ALL THREE, BUT AT LEAST THE FIRST ONE, PLEASE:







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Thank Geezus!

originally posted on Flickr. Seen/asst. reviewed by f.c. Ironic Catholic
Florida's governor has the power over death?!?!?
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submitted by frequent contributor Gavin R.
Does this "culture of the cross" require me to wear one of these?? Or these?? If so, I'll pass.


This church sign isn't a bad sentiment, I'm just a little leery when Christians ask if people can "see" I'm a Christian. I sure hope they can tell when they meet me, but that's a little different.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
It's my choice whether or not hell is a reality?!? Sweet deal!
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"Signs, Wonders, Miracles. This is a spirit filled church!"
submitted AND reviewed by Sarah R.
How do they ever have time for a sermon?
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"Promise only what you can deliver, then deliver more than you can promise."
submitted by Grant
Apparently this church feels that the Law of Diminished Expectations should have been a beatitude.
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"Bog Rider Sunday"
submitted by frequent contributor Jordan
SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!! We'll sell you the whole pew, but you'll only need the edge....
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Red hots! Get your red hots here!

submitted by frequent contributors Chris and Sharon Bridges
Probably a legit event to raise money for something. I just love the thought of "Synergy Hot Dogs"...I wonder how they're different from regular hot dogs??
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Sign says "Faithfulness is a race with no finish line"
submitted by frequent contributor Katherine Trexler
Whereas faithlessness is a race with no starter's pistol??
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Sign says "Live to Love. Love to Stay Alive. Give to stay humble. Stay humble to meet Jesus."
submitted by frequent contributor Katherine Trexler
Meet Jesus to Live. Live to Love. Love to Stay Alive.....

Hey...our Bible is a recursive loop!!
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"A going church for a coming Jesus"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Katherine Trexler
What if they miss each other that way?
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"We never met anyone who could outsmart ole' Abe Lincoln"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Chandler Carriker
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the sermon?
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I'd like to congratulate Chandler on the first user-submitted review in some time that made me laugh out loud.
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And finally this week, a billboard from contributor Jon L., from Wichita Kansas:


...because that's the best reason we can think of.
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We're not from Mars after all?

submitted by frequent contributor Chris
Next Sunday's sermon: "Lies About Women".
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submitted by Bonnie M.
Dear You,
I have a problem. It also happens to be you.
-God.
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submitted by new contributor Marie H.
In the body of Christ, this church is the stomach.
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submitted by new contributor Lois H.
Huh. So that's how He did it.
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"God is like v05 hairspray. He holds in all kinds of weather."
submitted by frequent contributor Tara, OH
God is also like a righteous judge, who expresses His wrath every day (Psalm 7:11). I doubt they'll ever put that on their sign.

(Joel's note: Nor should they. There's not enough space to give it the proper context. Just sayin' that when we're gathered around the throne in heaven, I doubt we'll be singing His praises because He's "like hairspray").
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"Suffering
Sunday 8 AM."
submitted by new contributor Maresi
Well, at least they're up front about it.
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No, and I didn't get this sign either:

submitted by frequent contributor Micah
On my forehead?


Here's the verse referenced. Micah and I can't figure this one out at all. Any help??

EDIT: Allen has figured it out, visit the comments section for his answer. Others had some funny ideas, too, but I think Allen's is correct.
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submitted by frequent contributor Micah
Jesus won the victory...and now He's the Last Comic Standing here at Holy Humor Sunday! Congratulations, Jesus! Do you have anything to say?!?

Jesus: "Take my life....please!"
(Audience guffaws loudly...)

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submitted by frequent contributor Micah
Easiest of all is finding a way to avoid both options.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by new contributor Rev. Jim Parsons
Notice that they didn't put "Jesus Saves". That's because even He pays close to $3.50 for gas nowadays.
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"No disciple left behind."
submitted by Susannah
Well...maybe Judas. But that's all.
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"Raising the dead. Join us."
submitted by new contributor Jessica Z.
Common sense, come forth!
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Oh, and, since many of you asked via email or in the comment section:

"...because it's never as good when you get it in the can."

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A turkey of a church sign:

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
And lust is like cranberry sauce...


(I'll censor myself here. If you feel like completing this joke, feel free to use the comments section. I feel there's a pretty obvious one hanging out there, just waiting for someone to knock it out of the park. Have at it...)

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submitted by new contributor Christy F.
...and you'll be sure to get to heaven!

Note: I thought at first this church was the "Seafood Church of Christ". That would've been better.
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submitted by frequent contributor Alli T.
No wonder I'm always late.
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submitted by frequent contributor Alli T.
Are they positive?
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"Get ready for the Easter frog."
submitted by new contributor Christy F.
Easter eggs aren't nearly as pretty when they come from a frog. Ew.

Oh, and....what the ^%&$ are they talking about?!?
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"I don't understand"
The Bible.
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Amy L.
Poor confused talking Bible!
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"It wasn't the rabbit. It was the Lamb."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
In the study. With the revolver.
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Another solid batch coming tomorrow, including one that neither I nor the contributor, Micah, have any idea what it means. Stay tuned!
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