"No use singing about milk and honey if all you have to show is crab apples."
This week's sign comes courtesy of frequent contributors Chris and Sharon Bridges.
If you're new to the commentary contest, you can read the rules here.
Have your comments in by Thursday at midnight, and I'll post a Top Ten poll next Monday. We had 83 different comments (some with multiple commentaries) for our first ever contest, so let's see if we can beat that next time!
Once again, I have a copy of the Crummy Church Signs book for the winner! You might also notice that in the right-hand sidebar I've established overall standings for these contests. If you've been paying any attention at all, you can probably figure out the scoring system....
I've got a bunch of crumminess lined up, so stay tuned all week!
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64 comments on the crumminess:
SO STOP COMING TO CHURCH GRUMPY!
The music minister here sang on a commercial for honeycomb cereal, and the pastor doesn't approve.
What about if I have "road apples"?
Yodel it instead!
Numbers 16:13
Are you not satisfied with having led us here away from a land flowing with milk and honey, to make us perish in the desert, that you must now lord it over us? I mean, what the %$#@ are these round things?
Milk is to drink and honey to eat
Here is the minister ready to greet, These are a few of my favorite things!
And for the love of God, cover up your melons, Sheila!
Poke
Crabs? Try our herbal milk and honey remedy.
A reading from the book of Alberto: V-05
And also remember that fish don't fry in the kitchen and beans don't burn on the grill. It took a whole lotta tryin',just to get up that hill.
- No use singing about ANYTHING if all you have to show is crabs.
- So SHUT UP AND GO AWAY
I may have more, but seriously wtf are crabapples?
- So, anyone know any good crab apple songs?
- Actually, I have no use for songs about milk and honey, crab apples or not.
-Damn, the show and tell rules are really stringent around here!
No ammount of milk and honey is worth Crabs.
This explains why the Bibles are sticky.
Unfortunately, this month's pot-luck dinner was not the success everyone had hoped for.
... because you're pissing the bees off and curdling the milk.
- Mark Lowry was finally kicked off of the Gaither Homecoming Tour after he tried emulating Gallagher in concert.
- Sounds like sour grapes to me.
- The sign maker is obviously not impressed with the new Minister of music.
Holy crap! I did find a crabapple song!
Crab-apples, Crab-apples, out in the wood,
Little and bitter, yet little and good!
The apples in orchards, so rosy and fine,
Are children of wild little apples like mine.
The branches are laden, and droop to the
ground;
The fairy-fruit falls in a circle around;
Now all you good children, come gather them up;
They’ll make you sweet jelly to spread when
you sup.
One little apple I’ll catch for myself;
I’ll stew it, and strain it, to store on a shelf
In four or five acorn-cups, locked with a key
In a cupboard of mine at the root of the tree.
—Cicely Mary Barker, THE CRAB-APPLE FAIRY
Unfortunately, the sign committee broke cardinal rule #1: Never vote on a sign when you're hungry.
Let God remove the plank in your eye and the stick up your butt!
..."If all you have to show is sour persimmins...
persemmons...
parsimmons...
ah, forget it...crab apples..."
Next week's sermon:
The healing powers of karaoke!
"Today's sermon brought to you by Nature Valley Granola Bars...try our new varieties..."
Apparently, someone in the choir is PMS-ing.
"today's Iron Church Sign secret ingredient: Crab Apples"
Join the Wadded Panties Choir and lay your burdens at the cross (and on the ears of the congregation!)
Now hiring:
New choir director. Inquire within. Please bring resume, demo tape and a bushel of apples for our review.
And don't forget to stop by our bake sale after the service, sponsored by the Recovering Alcohlics Ministry.
-- For more recipes, visit us online at foodnetwork.com.
-- Even without crab apples, does anyone actually sing about milk and honey???
-- American Idol fever takes over the local church.
-- Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. Unless all you have to show is crab apples.
Hey Wombat,
I knew there was a food network joke in there, but I just couldn't find it. Good job!
I know no milk and honey songs...I dohowever know the "milk, milk, lemonade" song...
His family would later confirm that this crummy church sign is what pushed the "Crazed Crab Apple Farmer" over the edge and into the life of a serial killer.
Poke
First Church of Elementary School Teachers
Poke
Sorry for this one, but I couldn't resist...
I like to sing whilst my crab apples are milked by my honey.
Again...sorry.
Poke
Now, Lobster Apples are a different story.
Poke
NO USE PUTTING UP
A CHURCH SIGN
IF ALL THE LETTERS YOU HAVE
CAN ONLY SPELL CRAB APPLES
So what will happen if I sing the body electric?
Unless of course you want to wander in the desert for 40 years...
When I was a kid we had a crabapple tree growing next to our yard. We used to call the hard little fruit "ammo" for reasons that any adolescent boy -- or someone wishing they had something to throw through this sign -- would understand.
"Honey, the sign at church says I gotta stop singin' 'bout you and the dairy 'cuz we planted that durn crabapple tree. That make any sense to you?"
"How 'bout them apples!?"
Show milk and honey instead! Carry it in a jug. Demonstrate it to your friends. Throw it on church signs. It really works!
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I think we're living more in the land of beer and corn chips these days
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Take that, you vegans!
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I'm not really anonymous, but my google account is freaking out
-msforster
Pastor DJ Williams of Arl Baptist Church uses his new Crummy Signs Book for evil instead of good...
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>dj williams=last weeks winner...get it? get it? sigh...
besides, Milk and Honey are not part of the Atkins Low Crab (apples) diet.
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somebody stop me. please.
Ok I am going to try to take a crack at it!!!
A t-shirt my family brought back for me:
"They went to the promiseland and all I got were crummy crab apples!"
Joel: "God warned us if we didnt obey the 10 commandments the punishment would get worse!"
Diesel: "Yeah but did he have to go with crabs?"
Sorry guys I had to go there!!! HEHE! I hope that is good!
Little did the Israelites know that putting up this sign would get them kept out of the Promised Land for forty more years.
A controversial new theory in Old Testament scholarship alleges that the Exodus account of the Promised Land was not strictly literal.
Crushed by the negative reviews, "Exodus: The Musical" closed later that week.
...because you can't participate in the produce competition and the talent show at the same time; they're on opposite ends of the fairgrounds.
I can't possibly compete with Kadi's
"Join the Wadded Panties Choir and lay your burdens at the cross"
...said the Baptist pastor dissing Pa Grape's performance in Josh and the Big Wall.
You need to show your peaches and shake your tree.
This is Casey Kasem and next on our countdown - the top ten pieces of advice you can put on your Crummy Church Sign.
This is not a submission, but I just had to share what a lady said about my blogging:
I was told, yesterday, that being crude does not make me cool. Maybe not, but it does make for some good church sign captions!
This week's sermon: two parts nonsense, one part foreign fruit.
Really. No use at all.
No use being sanctimonious when all you have to show is a crummy church sign.
mmmmmm... milk and honey
Maybe I just like to sing... how do you like THEM apples?
If she's showing her crab apples, I say she can sing about anything she wants.
wow, after such a strong showing last week (if you count the superdelegates), I feel so much pressure to come up with something this week. And I'm coming up completely blank after two days of mulling this over...
Only ladies with coconuts or larger allowed to sing.
Heaven is for everyone - except crab apple farmers.
This is why Hooter's and Baptist churches shouldn't merge.
Gridlock, is that the only reason?
But 'I just can't stop singing, since Jesus put this song in my heart...', SO...bite me!
What though my joys and comforts die?
Crummy church signs reigneth;
What though the darkness gather round!
Signs in the night He giveth:
No sign can shake my inmost calm
While to that refuge clinging;
Since CSS is my heaven on earth,
How can I keep from singing?
But if the Lord gives you milk, honey and crab apples, make Promised Land smoothies!
...locusts and honey, incidentally, would still be perfectly acceptable.
...and so sadly, the career of up-and-coming recording artist Bessie Clover ended before it began.
Lets try this again......
After receiving the report from the doctor on one of the dancers, that was when the crew realized they needed to shut down the filming for the new Snoop Dogg video "Milk and Honey".
I hope this makes someone laugh!
Shauna
...unless you're lactose intolerant
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